


us made mostly of void

by lonelyghosts



Category: Homestuck, SPOPRstuck
Genre: (mentioned) - Freeform, Abusive Relationships, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Depression, F/F, God Tier (Homestuck), Nonbinary Character, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:27:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24058960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lonelyghosts/pseuds/lonelyghosts
Summary: There is an emptiness inside you.
Relationships: Chaoys Causer/Kinnie Onmain
Comments: 4
Kudos: 5
Collections: Spoprstuck Fics!





	us made mostly of void

Your name is Chaoys Causer, and you are entirely empty on the inside. 

Somewhere inside of you there is an awful, empty void. It has been there for a long, long time- you do not know when it was born, when it heaved its way into being, without your consent. You think it might have always been there, slowly eating away at you until you were forced to look it in the eye. 

You've tried to deny it. You have always been quick on your feet, short and scrawny and nimble- your reflexes are the reason you aren't dead yet, from years of spending time on skateboards and jumping off roofs and lighting small fires with your psionics, throwing yourself into danger at every opportunity. You are good at outrunning things, and you have tried to outrun this, have tried harder than you've tried at anything. 

But in the end it always comes back to this, to sitting on the ground with a yawning abyss rooted in your heart and your stomach and your lungs, so empty you can hear the wind whistling tunes that you ache to listen to. You can't escape yourself. 

The void quiets when danger is near, when adrenaline thrums through your veins, when there's no time for silence or thought, only action- then it gets silent and you forget about it, can almost pretend it's not there. But it is, it's always there, no matter how you try and deny it and run from it and pretend that it isn't there. You cannot escape it, ever. No matter what you do.

The void quiets around some people, you've found. With your gutter gang, you laughed long and hard enough that the emptiness couldn't be heard, but Laiknd and Owouch are gone now, no longer speaking to each other, and the awkwardness of your shared and unspoken past is empty enough that the void makes itself known. Fucking around with Yikess and riling her up is distracting enough that you forget about its sad siren song- the same is true with Shonen, though to a lesser degree. You chase highs with Naarci often enough that the void fades away with her. 

And with Kinnie… well. You can't be anything but utterly lovestruck around Kinnie. The void is powerless in the face of that.

You think that the void used to be less, before. When you were younger it wasn't as bad- you don't remember much of its sick empty feeling from back then, when you hung out with Owouch and Laiknd and laughed in pictures, the days that you spent with Kinnie dancing around your feelings and almost-kissing in the grass, wondering if against all odds she loved you back in the same way you loved her- all consuming and unending.

That was before Laiknd and Yikess started dating and Laiknd broke Yikess' heart and Owouch stopped talking to him, before Laiknd sold out for capitalism's sake, before Kinnie started trailing after Eyivil and stopped talking to you intermittently, showing up on your webcam monitor with bruises around her neck and wrists, laughing off every attempt that you made to try and find out what was going on. Before the Game. Before you ruined every relationship you had left.

Before, the void was smaller. It only came out in small, quiet moments, when things got to be really bad, when your lusus clawed you up and bit at you and you nursed the wounds in your room, wrapping bandages around your arm and trying to persuade yourself she did these things because she loved you. The rust would soak through the white cloth and stain your comforter and you would feel hollowed out, as if your lusus had taken a spoon to your insides and scooped out every part of who you are. 

But back then you had Kinnie, and Laiknd, and Owouch, and all of your friends with whom you laughed and played and hung out with until the aching stopped and you could breathe again. The void could be dismissed, forgotten, dispelled- it was easier back then, back when you were a child. 

It crept up on you, you think, consumed you until so much of yourself was not yourself, until you were left with this emptiness with every move you made, until it felt like a physical being inside of you. So many of your old hobbies- trading cards and knitting, bad movies and biking- no longer interest you. You remember when you looked at the collections of Pokémon cards in their plastic sheets and wondered why you'd even bothered. You had known you used to love them, once, and now you didn't. The lack of feeling, the crater where love had once sat proud and bright and red in your heart and now only represented empty space, it scared you. 

You remember god-tiering by self immolation in the ruin of your planet and when the fire consumed your body you didn't  _ enjoy  _ the pain but at least it was interesting. At least the crackle and hiss of your body cooking chased away that hungry emptiness that keeps trying to eat you alive. You rose from the slab in your dark blue robes surrounded by an aura of darkness and you remember thinking that you wouldn't mind doing it again. 

How fucked up are you that killing yourself sounds like a good time? 

You've lost so much of yourself to the pit in your heart and stomach and lungs which takes and takes and takes. You remember you used to feel joy once. You remember you didn't have to try and kill yourself to feel something. You know something must have changed, must have made you like this now, but you don't know what.

You don't know how to go back to when you could feel things. Maybe you can't. Maybe you're stuck like this, forever, a fucked up masochist slash disaster artist who can only ever feel things when the adrenaline hits. 

You're not a hero. You've fucked up this whole world- LOAAS is just one example of that. You do nothing but cause problems in some dumb fucking effort to feel alive, and there's no way any Game can win while you're still playing.

You learned of something on LOAAS. The ashes left behind told you secrets and you took them into yourself. Some of them were useless, crumbling in your fingers, but this secret- this one is all you need. 

You hope that the others will understand in the next version of the Game- this is for the best. You have to reset. Only a new version of yourself, one that isn't completely and utterly fucked up, will be able to play this Game right. In the new world, the Scratched world, there will be a version of you who will be able to live without feeling the way you do- who will be a person worthy of living, of being enough for someone, of being loved by a person. Maybe even by the person who will have once been Kinnie. That's enough for you.

Naarci has the key to it, and she agrees with you, for much the same reasons, which means there's only one thing left to do.

It's time for you to start the Scratch.


End file.
